May 2013
5 posts
I spent two hours cleaning the house and debating whether or not to kill myself before you got home. You get home and yell at me for cleaning, and decide my plans for tomorrow are cancelled? Okay. Thanks. Maybe I’ll cancel the rest of my life. I just won’t wake up tomorrow.
I forgot how much I actually cannot stand my mother. She ruins my day every single day. She screams and cusses at me for literally no reason? She takes all her anger out on me. Its not my fault you have arthritis and you’re paranoid. Don’t take out out on me. Its not my fault you have so much stress, try getting rid of your chickens and fish and garden and all that shit. There are only two of us....
Maybe I’ll “leave you alone” enough when I finally kill myself.
Also you didn’t ask if I was okay. Or how scared I was. Or if I did my lantus.
I’ll just assume it was coz you were tired. Sigh.
2 tags
Oh.
I don’t understand why its not important to you if I’m scared. Any other negative feeling, and you’ll stay up all night with me. But whenever I’m scared, you just go “lol sorry its your fault for watching the scary thing ” like. No. Would you do the same for my self harm? “Oh Ur leg hurts? Well lol sorry Ur fault” .
I have an over active imagination, and I get paranoid and panicked when I’m...
April 2013
6 posts
dressupandtwirl:
i. need. to. cut.
4 tags
I know you used to feel
Like all the pretty girls had pretty names.
All the cute girls have cute names.
And you were just
There.
People with extraordinary names
Or uncommon names
Are the ones who are the most
Extraordinarily beautiful
The most uncommonly beautiful.
And you dear
Have quite a different name
Just as you have a very different
And noticeable
Beauty.
You’re...
3 tags
You have the most beautiful skin I’ve ever seen. I adore your skin, such a perfect shade of brown, with a speck like pepper sporadically placed. I want to kiss every inch of your skin to make sure you know how much I love it. How much I love you.
2 tags
I need you to know
You make me so so happy
Though depression takes me so low
I always feel so crappy.
But its never because of you
You’re never the reason behind my tears
There’s nothing you can do
About the monster behind all my fears.
You make me happy like
A child with a new toy
A dog with a big bone
A teen with a pretty boy
A heart with a warm home.
Don’t...
Oops I’m sad tonight.
I haven’t been sad in a while. I guess that’s good. But I’m sad right now. And alone. And I’m the only one awake. That’s bad, and I know it.
Today was breathtaking. The way you asked me to ball was super cute. I acted mad, but I was so, so happy. I would keep these balloons forever if I could.
Then when you came over. God. I had a magnificent time with you. It was so…special. I don’t have words for how you made me feel today. I wouldn’t want any other girl to keep my heart, and I know none could make me as happy as...
March 2013
5 posts
3 tags
God, I had a wonderful day with you today. I love how comfortable I am with you. How at ease I feel lying next to you. You’re absolutely perfect and I hope to marry you in a few years time.
Your hands on my skin is like heaven. You’re so soft and warm and with your arms wrapped around me I feel like I can make it through anything. I really need to take a step back and appreciate every bit of your...
I need to get over myself.
I need to get over my depression, anxiety, fears, self esteem, social dysfunction, shyness, emotional problems.
I need to get over all of my issues.
I’m slowly losing my friends and it needs to stop. I need to stop.
Pull yourself together hannah. Its been four years get over it now. Stop being sad. You’re going to screw everything up.
2 tags
I am so head-over-heals, completely in love with this girl. I swear she’ll be my bride one day. She makes me feel so…magnificent, different than anyone’s ever made me feel. Like magic. I love every little thing about her, and I always will. She’s beautiful, and sweet, and romantic; or at least she tries her best to be. She’s completely perfect for me, and I love her...
Oh, tears.
Wait no
Thoughts please don’t
Please stop
Just let me sleep
Go away nightmares
February 2013
9 posts
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew emotions please go away
My clinginess and annxiety is going to ruin this. My depression and over emotional habits are going to ruin this. My issues are going to ruin this. My habit of getting too angry and too jealous is going to ruin this. My knack for never saying how I feel is going to ruin this. I’m going to ruin this. I don’t want to ruin this. I would give my life not to ruin this. Maybe...
Wow why am I in such a shitty mood today ugh. I feel like crap, I’ve been acting like crap. Ugh. This is not okay actually. Someone come wrap me in a blanket and give me some chocolate chip pancakes.
I miss you. Stop going away, please.
4 tags
Why do I get triggered so easily. Why do I get these thoughts and feelings. I don’t have anything to be depressed about. I don’t have any reasons to want to die, or to want to hurt myself. Why do I have to feel this way. Why do I have to cry myself to sleep at least once a week. Why.
2 tags
I don’t know, I guess you don’t know how cheesy I really am. How much little things mean to me.
I really wanted tomorrow to be special. But you’re always so busy. You couldn’t have freed up your schedule for one day? I know you said you would try, but. I don’t know. I know I’m ridiculous and over reacting, but I was really looking forward to it. I got my hopes...
4 tags
I want to wake up to you next to me. Your eyes fluttering as you sleep, your chest moving to a constant beat.
I want to wake up before you, and make you a cute breakfast. Maybe waffles. Waffles with ice cream and chocolate syrup. With two small glasses, one of orange juice, the other of almond milk. And I’ll go get a bouquet of flowers for the table.
Then I would gently wake you up, and...
Why am I so depressed today ugh. I’ve felt like crying for most of the day. I just wanted to curl up and sleep. Now I just want to be in her arms, where I know I’ll be happy. Sigh. Today was not a good day. Parts of it were good. But together, not so much. Sigh. Can I just curl up and sleep for a week. I hate feeling like this.
January 2013
5 posts
5 tags
Darling dear, I know sometimes
Your dreams are too much to bear.
But don’t forget,
Don’t ever forget,
you have friends
in even the darkest of corners,
the sharpest of bends.
Even when you fall deep in the sand,
the lowest you’ve been,
You have friends who will take your hand.
Pull you up again, and hold you higher than you have ever seen.
Darling dear,
Please don’t give up.
You may...
4 tags
Some nights, I can’t sleep. When I can’t sleep, I think. And my worst thoughts come out at night, like shadows waiting to blend with everything, and drip into my life. Recently, I haven’t been sleeping. And when I can’t sleep, I think. But the past few months, my thoughts have been bright, shining, just like sunshine. A bright, fantastic, sunshiney think has come into my life. Has grabbed me up...
3 tags
You’re absolutely beautiful.
But you’re most beautiful, when you’re at peace, at ease.
When your eyelids flutter as you dream, and your hair messes up where it meets my knees. And your eyelashes curl up like elegant ironwork, your cheeks are tinted a perfect shade of pink. When you sleep, you’re perfectly stunning.
Those chilly, yet strangely warm feeling days...
I really miss a lot of people. Some are still a part of my life even. I want to get back together with a lot of my old friends, and have an awesome next six months with them all. I dont want to leave this town and be forgotten. I want all my friends back. I think that’ll be my goal. To reconnect with a lot of people, maybe by the end of February. I miss you all do much… I think to...
4 tags
I’ve never been a writer, but from the moment I met you, everything seemed so much lighter, so deserving of beautiful adjectives.
My thoughts of you are a mesh of words and descriptions, you make me think in poems, or maybe I simply need new prescriptions.
There is a bad side though, your beauty outshines all, making my opinions of the world fall and fall.
December 2012
14 posts
We’re fighting.
I don’t like this. It feels much too close to me losing you. I don’t like this feeling at all.
2 tags
sherlocktripped:
Last night I realized something. The “prince(ss) charming” I’ve wanted since I was a child, the perfect person to keep me happy for the rest of my life, the one I’ve been dreaming of for all these years, I realize I’ve found her. I’ve found the girl I want to keep my bed warm, the girl I want to wake up to in the morning, the girl who can brighten any day. I’ve found the perfect...
I don’t understand why we aren’t allowed to be together. We’re both good kids, we wouldn’t do anything bad. I just want to be able to take you out. Go get coffee together, wander book stores for hours, maybe go on a few actual dates. I want you to be able to come over, just for a few hours during the day. I wouldn’t ask for you to stay the night, just spend the day with me. I don’t like having to...
1 tag
Hm. This will sound extremely ungrateful, but oh well.
I was a bit disappointed with my gifts. I mean, they’re wonderful, and I really like them, they’ll be very useful. Its just, I didn’t get anything I specifically asked for /this year/. I’ve been wanting a camera for a while, but I’ve never really expected to get one. And I randomly said “wow I want...
Well I guess its time to distance myself from everybody I know.
2 tags
Every little thing I do pisses you off. I know I have an attitude, but I’m a teenage girl, it happens sometimes. You make me feel so damn unloved sometimes. You make me feel like I’m just a hindrance to you, that if I killed myself your life would be so much better. I know if j told you that though, you’d just yell. Tell me I’m being ridiculous, tell me to stop crying, stop...
4 tags
Sometimes I feel like my scars aren’t good enough. Like they aren’t as bad as other people’s, so they don’t mean as much. My scars go away. They’re small, and not very deep. I feel like they don’t do a good job of showing what a terrible state I’m in. I feel like I need to make new scars that fit my problem. Ones that you can actually see. Ones that scream...
3 tags
I love you more than anything, xanhie. Even if I yell at you for your grades. I love you. So, so much. You mean the world to me. You’re what I live for.
Thank you for sticking with me the past six months. For staying. Thank you for loving me, and choosing me. The past six months have been wonderful. You make me so happy. You have brought me up from the bottom, and watched out for me. And...
i hate that im sensitive and jealous and stupid and ugly and annoying
I have this craving. Not for chocolate, or pizza, nothing I can simply go buy. I have a deep craving, a desire. For you. I crave your touch on my skin, the sweet way you smell, your soft, perfect lips. I just want to spend a day with you. Cuddling and kissing, cooking together, just laying in bed and talking, or simply enjoying each other. I want to spend an hour making out, I need to taste you...
November 2012
8 posts
I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. You really light up my life, you’ve brought me up from the bottom. I was miserable and depressed and pretty low when we met. And now I feel like the luckiest girl around. Six months with you has made me really really happy. I hope we stick together for a very long time. Six months, then six years, then six decades. How ‘bout it?
You deserve someone better than me. Someone less miserable and sad. You deserve the most perfect girl around. Not some sad, emotional wreck of a person. You could do so much better than me. You deserve someone you won’t have to worry about, someone you won’t have to help, or pacify. Someone you can trust with themselves. Someone that’s the opposite of me. You don’t deserve...
I don't do so well on my own.
I feel so lost and alone right now. I’m in my bedroom, but I feel like I’m in a strange place. Like I’m far away from home. I keep crying randomly. I feel horribly miserable and depressed. I keep digging up the past, making it worse. I feel terrible. I feel empty and alone.
Today I told my doctor about my depression and cutting. She was very understanding, and I’m really relieved I told her. I wasn’t planning on it, but I had a physical today..so she was going to find out anyways. I feel good about it. I’m probably going to go to therapy, she suggested it and sent a referral for it, and I’m a bit excited for it. I’m excited to get better. I don’t want to take...
Wow, I cannot stand you. I hate living in this house with you, so fucking much.
